How did I get here?
How do I make it stop?
How do I get out?
I often feel my world is collapsing. I try to fight it. I try to do what is right, what is needed and yet I can’t stay focused. I can’t stay centered. Even after all these months there have been things I can’t shake. I have said things I am not proud of and made decisions that were meant to protect me, but that only caused more pain.
Through it all I have attempted to stay focused on the kids, felt I have tried to treat my ex with respect and dignity. Yet saw myself and my life getting eaten away. I could do nothing right, I was failing to get much done, I was barely treading water. And I blamed her…
See my ex and I can’t seem to talk. We can’t discuss anything big or small. Guess we are still both fighting for higher ground, for an upper hand. And I don’t think either of us see what is actually going on. I think both of us view our conversations from a defensive posture, as if the other party was attacking, and then we often respond ‘in kind’ – sometimes not even intensionally. The problem is that this has resulted in a downward spiral, each action is perceived in a poor light and we each then double-down. Neither of us can trust the other. We can’t be honest as we feel it is just being thrown back in our face. We can’t express disagreement as we view it as the other person being controlling. We can’t offer suggestions as it is viewed as condescending.
So we avoid talking, which results in us fearing the unknown or undefined. We allow the mistrust to build from rumors, based on assumptions and accusations. Because we are not talking we are not sharing, because we don’t trust each other we are always looking for the worse scenario possible. The resulting actions then just create resentment and retaliations.
I am not sure when it started, but I am as much to blame as she is.
Today I am filled with ambition, but I don’t seem to have the follow-through. Somewhere along the way here I lost the heart and soul of my dreams though. The passion is still there, but it lacks the drive. I have been blaming her, I have been allowing the distractions from her life cloud my own.
So my world is crumbling and there seems to be nothing I seem to be able do about it. I hear statements like “let your life burn to the ground and like a phoenix let a new one rise from the ashes”. It sounds good but I fear the change, the unknown. I fear the failing even more than I already have. How does letting my life completely fall apart offer my kids with a stable home – as you don’t build Rome in a day. So I fear, I doubt, and I can’t seem to find a way forward. Instead, I find myself playing the victim. I whine and complain about things I can’t change. Some things have bugged me for far too long, somethings that don’t impact me at all, some things I conjure up in my head – it hurts no one but me. It stops no-one but me.
“Will my boys always see me as Dad?”, “Will I be able to make a home they want to be a part of?”, “Can I ever find someone for me again?”, and the big one … “Can I allow myself to love again?”
I don’t know the way out. I don’t know how to make it better … but I need to. I have to. Life’s crap is currently spilling over onto my friends and family. It is impacting the boys. They mask it well, but it is there if you look.
It needs to change. For me I think it will start with trust. Trust is something that has to be given to be received. So I will need to forgive, and that is not always so easy, and I will have to forget the past and trust that she is building a healthy home for the boys. That is something I know she does, and it is also something I know I do as well.
A friend that is offering me some good advice, ‘don’t worry about how the other person is acting, but act in a way that feels is right for you.’ I need to stop allowing my emotions to drive my interactions. I need to start living my new life as me, and a “me” that is defined by what I want.
It is time to leave the past issues behind. It is time to hit the reset button.