Dating, Divorce

The Transition

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I sat down with a buddy of mine the other day confused. “How does this work?” I was asking. He was divorced earlier on in his life and has often provided me advice though the process. However, he was in a much different place then (still young, no kids) and has now been with his partner for the past 17 years. So when asking him about navigating the waters of dating I got the same shoulder shrug I see in the mirror so often.

So we sat under the hot Florida sun, pondering the concept of dating. The different aspects, changes, and expectations and how drink eventually turn into moving in together or marriage. I was wondering how people handle the strains of day-to-day life with the desire to spend ever increasing amounts of time together. And how some of the simple choices became incredibly more complex with kids and shared custody arrangements involved.

Transitioning to the dating has not been easy, not that I was really expecting it to be. I never had the self-confidence growing up needed to “make a move”, thus had low expectations as I re-entered the “single life”. Yet as I sat there sipping my beer I knew that wasn’t what was troubling me. Since I moved out two years ago I have been in several different relationships, some short, some just fun, and some more serious in nature. While never perfect, they all had several good times though eventually we decided it wasn’t going to work.

It wasn’t the individual relationships that were bothering
me that day, it was the relationship itself.

What had me confused was the growth of a relationship, and how we weaved them into our daily lives as grown adults. This came to the forefront with my most recent relationship as we tried to grow the relationship while trying to meet our individual needs, all while I still maintained my well-structured role as Dad and my obligations as a provider. I quickly saw how my experience through a 14-year marriage had impacted the expectations I had for any serious relationship I was looking to be engaged in.

Life has changed since I was last dating. Before marriage I was young, energetic, and had few obligations. I was just launching into my career, had no kids, and the world was open for me to explore. The dating life was simple. When we were young, dating was a matter of meeting at school or work and following with time spent together in the evening. This would grow into more time spent together going on dates, to special events, and taking adventures. You just gradually spent more time together as you slowly got to know each other.

I really only had two relationships that lasted beyond a few months, and the only one to last longer than a year – and that lasted over 14. Truth be told, the year before I was married we lived in two different cities, two different countries and saw each other only on weekends or vacations. We did well and enjoyed those times, but our interactions where pretty focused and scheduled.

Once married, our day-to-day lives were joined. Activities were almost expected to be done together. Decisions were made together. Responsibilities were shared, roles were defined, and we moved on and grew. The transition wasn’t easy, there was lots to learn. Overall life was good as learned work together, over the years the balance of this got all messed up as I got addicted to my job and my career (I honestly felt I didn’t have much choice), but that is for another story…

The point is, I feel my personal experience in relationships is very limited. Even looking back at how my friends and family handled it, scheduling issues and busy lives seemed to be resolved by simply moving in together. They didn’t have kids or any of shared custody drama. Though I am sure that there were issues, I didn’t experience it.

Stages of a Relationship

I am finding four stages to a relationship. I describe them as:

Stage 1: Introductions
Sometimes called the honeymoon stage, this is that surface connection. With it comes the infatuation and the seeds of passion. During this stage you are almost completely focused on your partner often putting off obligations and adjusting schedules just to spend time together.

Stage 2: Growing Together
This is the actual test of compatibility for your life together. Here you figure out how to make it work. You merge your schedules and start and start building out join goals and aspirations. This is where truths become known, the subtle details of your inner self are exposed. I would place the first year or two of marriage in this stage as the changes and challenges involved in those first couple years are all about growing together.

Stage 3: The Long Haul
You have now accepted the quirks of your partner and you have settled in. You no longer view your life as separate. You have committed, and hopefully you are happy.

Stage 4: The Break
This is the stage that no one talks about, but it is there hiding in the shadows … and not the topic of today.

The Transitional Challenge

Early on I had made the choice that I would not introduce the boys to any new interest of mine until we had decided to go long-term. At the time I really didn’t know what that meant, but I did know that it was my job to provide protection. That protection included the emotional pains that result from a broken heart. What resulted was me living two separate lives; one a father and one a single man. These two worlds were not to touch.

This presented a challenge as my relationship with one girl started to enter the first transition point. She, not having kids, was in a different mental state. Fully engaged in moving on and growing together. I, having exposed her to only one side of my life, was now fully entrenched in a full-scale battle with myself. I had only casually introduced her to a select group of my friends, and while she knew of my kids she had only met them once before we started dating. I had not utilized the time of those first few months to conduct proper introductions. The result was that we ended up on a different page and at the time I did not recognize what was going on.

These first months are a critical time where you both need to introduce yourselves and your lives … completely. This should include your family, friends, and your ambitions. The things that make up your life. Sure the first few weeks can be all about the two of you, but you can’t keep your worlds separate.

So this is where I was recently, in another relationship with another wonderful lady. I had decided that living two lives wasn’t going to work so had introduce her as we started spending more regular time together. After a few times together I informed the boys about the relationship, I was hoping honesty would help their transition. The boys knew and liked her, and they knew we were dating … and did not seem concerned by the show of affection that became more comfortable as the weeks passed (This was very encouraging). It made a lot of things easier, but we still seemed to live two lives.

My life is busy. With the boys’ events and homework combined with my own activities and obligations, almost every day is full. She also has a life, with her own events, obligations and commitments. This required us both to make sacrifices as we let the relationship grow, but over time it became hard to continue sacrificing different areas of lives. The “honeymoon” stage was over and real life had started settling in … the transition had begun and we were not ready for it. We had avoided introducing some of our internal fears, our ambitions, and our expectations. I had introduced my family but we hadn’t done a lot to introduce our friends and activities. We had attempted to keep things at the surface and avoid some of the pains of the past.

So there I swing, wondering how anyone makes it work? How does one handle that second, post-dating/pre-marriage, stage? How do the lives merge without completely merging? I think the answers to these questions are what you are looking for during those first few months of the relationship. I am left hoping that with the right person the answers to these questions are clear.

What I did find was that the kids are resilient, and I need not be so worried about that. They are accepting and desire me to be happy, so as long as they still have my main attention and are treated with respect I feel they will be fine.

Divorce, Family

Dirty Laundry

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laundry

Tonight I was back plugging quarters into a machine, hoping to get laundry done so I had socks to wear for tomorrow. I don’t exaggerate by much for I stretched it about as long as I could. But alas, deliver of my new washer could not happen before Thursday, the previous delivery attempt arrived with a dented washer unit so only the dryer was installed and the washer was returned. One-week has turned into two as the expected delivery is scheduled for this coming Thursday. Thus, my birthday enthusiasm for a new washer/dryer had to be tempered for a bit longer.

This has been a big deal for me, silly I know and one most people don’t understand. It is a small thing, but a practical item of life. I know, first-world issue right! However, unlike a new car or a fancy new TV, the washer/dryer is a core household item and I feel represents stability and independence. Most of my life I had access to W/D units, even in university I only spent two years where I used coin-operated laundry facilities. My only true “laundry mat” experience came during my first year of marriage as our place didn’t have room for our own. So, when I was moving out after 14-years I was leaving behind a lot of what had been built together, and part of what I left behind was the washer and dryer units.

I put the best spin on it I could, selling myself on much of it as I went. I turned down places with coin-operated facilities, choosing instead for a place with hookups but no units. Only later to find my circumstances did not go according to plan and buying, even used, units seemed too expensive. I was finding my rock bottom, and it was going to be a while before I could find some secure footholds to start climbing out.

At the time, I brushed it off. I like being humbled from time to time and thought this would be a good experience for the boys. So started our 2-week trips to the laundry mat, I made an adventure out of it as much as I could. The kids always found other kids to play with, and helped out more and more each time. Yet, inside, I hated it. This wasn’t me. I was a grown man with kids. I had a solid, well-paying job. Yet, I could not even provide that basic amenity. It infuriated me.

It was months before we moved, and in that time I made the best of it. I would take the boys when I could, always felt it was a good experience for them. I would bring a book to read and spend the time expanding my mind, and escaping the pressures and stress of the world. But I was happy to once again have 24/7 access to a washer/dryer at the house.

Not all foot holds are secure. The units that came with the new place were old. It was only a couple weeks before they boys mother was complaining that their cloths stunk of mold (thanks for the support!). The dryer finally died, taking a few of my cloths with it, and leaving me air drying clothes around the house which was a lovely image for guests. A craigslist replacement only quelled the problems for short time, so when the washer finally died I said “enough is enough!”.

It was time. I had the funds. I had the plans. So the weekend following my birthday I bought; I bought what I needed, I bought what would work, I bought a little for luxury, and I bought what wouldn’t break the bank. To me it was another affirmation that my life was returning. I was back! … and at least could do a load of laundry.

Tonight, standing there under the florescent lights I smiled. I only needed to wash the cloths, I could dry them at home.

Fatherhood

Adventure Bound

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Photo by Kai Oberhäuser
Photo by Kai Oberhäuser

Received a text this morning from the boys mom informing me that they will be heading out-of-state to visit a friend for quick weekend vacation. Not sure if it was the way it was presented, how I read it, or just the unexpected nature of it but the note tore into me. I wasn’t left mad or angry, but knots filled my stomach and questions swirled in my mind. And I had no immediate answer to why … ?

Could be jealousy. Even after two years of separation and multiple relationships of my own I still find I am jealous of her with someone else. Of course, I expected it. Have known about it. And felt I had dealt with it. I am happy she has someone, though have to admit I still hold grudges towards aspects (but that is another story). However, the name she included as who she would be visiting was new, and no one I had ever heard of before. This left me wondering, is this someone new? Or is she just hiding a trip with her ‘other’ from me? Honestly, it smelled of that latter, but I was only left with my conjectures at the time – and that, I know from experience, is not a healthy place to leave one’s mind for long. It would be futile to chase answers to most of my questions, yet I was left unnerved by the few details and late notice provided.

Whisking the boys away on a last minute adventure sounds fun, but for the parent left behind it can be gut wrenching. Not knowing who would be accompanying them, who they would be meeting there, or what they will be doing … it leaves only worry and concern as the mind swirls trying to fill the gaps. Is this going to be a safe trip for the boys? Is it going to be safe for her?

This is where I stopped myself and took a break for lunch. I stepped out for some air walking along the path leading around a small lake just outside the office building. There, underneath a tree just out of reach from the beating sun, I sat. I slowed my mind down. I remembered why I thought she was the perfect one to raise a family with. She is smart. She is loving. And she will do anything to protect the boys. So I sat, meditated on that, and searched for what else could be bothering me.

Is it that I could be missing out? The fear of “missing out” or “being left behind” has been the largest mental obstacle I have faced since separation. And this trip fits right into my horror story of the kids, their ‘new family’, and being replaced as dad. However, this last year has proven to me that my kids are not looking to replace me, and that there is no way I am stepping back from being their Dad. And … while I may be missing out on this adventure, we have been on a few adventures ourselves. In fact we just returned from a weekend outing a couple weeks ago. Even if this does happen to be a trip that I have been wanting to take with the boys … it doesn’t mean we won’t take a similar one in the months ahead, and we will find a way to make the trip very unique to us. So I am not really missing out, I have my own plans.

At the core of this is our communication, or lack there of. From that I think the biggest thing is a lack of respect between us as partners in this parenting space. We are constantly complaining about how the other is responding, reacting, or demanding. It is the arms race, a cold war of sorts … and we heading down a path of destruction. I could fight back, rage on the technicalities. Yet, at the end of the day what is that going to do but put more landmines in the path of my own future and create more drama in the lives of my kids.

So I reside myself to the concerned parent, so just want to know the kids will be in a safe place and request that they bookend their travels with a call or text to me so I don’t worry. I smile at the thought of my kids getting a chance to see new sites and try their hand at new skills.

Yet, I hold fast to the condition that I be treated as an equal in this partnership. And if we cannot find a way to work together, I do know we are working to a similar goal … so I will continue to make choices that I feel are right for the boys, for me, and for our lives.