Communication is key

Since the divorce I have noticed a striking change in our communication. We both started a power play, a jostle for control and dominance by being the person who felt they had control of the communication. I would like to say that those days are in our past, but tonight felt like another frustrating example that that aspect of life is not yet behind us…

Things started off not too bad, she contacted me to inform me of what days I had selected for my vacation – due to some miscommunication during the last few weeks I took as constructive and not as aggressive. The situation also gave us a chance to discuss an upcoming school event and allowed us to coordinate in preparation for that. Was a simple conversation started by responding to her initial text in short order. I treated her as if she was important, and the tension was quickly alleviated and forgotten.

Generally, if she texts I respond as soon as I can. With an email I try my best to respond within 24 hrs if a response is required. When she calls, I try never ignore a call – and call her back if I missed it for some reason. We may be divorced, but I still work hard to treat her as a valuable part of the family unit. Because, that is what she is … no matter how upset I may be at times.

Before, during, and after a marriage – communication is key!

This evening felt to be in contrast to that…

Today was the science fair at the school, so I thought I would check in with the kids before bed and see how it went. I called, voice mail. Called the house, voice mail. Ok, maybe they are busy which is completely understandable so I gave it another 15 minutes … called both numbers again … nothing. Sent a text to have them call me, and tried again a few minutes later … now we are bumping up against the kids bed time and my hockey game is about to start. So I have to leave it, they must have just been busy … such is life.

But now it after midnight and I am off the ice and headed home to bed. I was expecting a call or text saying that they just missed it, but nothing – does she not check her phone at all during the evening? Tonight it is annoying as I really wanted to talk about how things went this morning at school, so I know I am being more sensitive than normal. Yet, this is not a one time situation – simple fact is that she doesn’t seem to pay attention to her communication channels and it can be frustrating. Any time there is an email, text, or call that she does not like, she does not respond – she gets them, cause she gets all the others.

Tonight follows on the heals of a recent weekend when I felt respect for my time with the boys was also not shown. My youngest requested to call her and share that they had completed the science project. Simple enough and of course the answer is “ok”, never hold back communication right. Yet, the call went on for a good 30 minutes before I had to call him off to come ACTUALLY finish his work – so my other son got on to say “hi” and they talked for another 30 minutes. There was no big event to share and we had other things planned. I asked to wrap it up (she heard) … and yet the call continued. Eventually I had to become the bad guy and insist my son say good bye so we could keep our nights plans going.

Yes … right now I am feeling petty. In fact, I have tried for a long time to not go negative, but sometimes negative feelings exist. That is just what this is, emotions and insecurities brewing to the surface. I can’t change her, never could. There are a million and one reasons that they were unavailable tonight, and those have to be acceptable. The boys have a strong relationship with their mother, that is something to promote and not hinder. So I go to bed tonight knowing that I will see my youngest tomorrow morning before school and we have a vacation coming up.

All I can do is continue to act the way I feel is right, not always for me – but for the kids.


Life as a co-parent has left both of us feeling a little threatened in our role at times. I was almost right away. I was out of the home that I built, struggling to make ends meet, clinging to the notion that I was still dad. I had visions of all the deadbeat and absentee dads from movies and book constantly running through my head. The life I had known was crumbling before me … and then she was with another man, a family friend for several years, and I saw myself just fading completely. “Family” outings and vacations were now a thing … and in my head, if there was another guy there what role would I have.

It hurt, but more so it made me mad. If you happened to talk to me during that period of my life, you knew it. My very existence felt threatened … and for me this wasn’t acceptable. I vowed to stay engaged … and I have done just that. It has not been an easy path. One with lots of ups and downs. Yet, I fight through the struggle to ensure my time with the boys is secure … they know they are loved, they have a safe and fun place to be, and that dad is both interested and invested in both their schooling and their lives.

This has developed some tense moments between their mother and myself. However, I have not relented. I refuse to be defined on her terms – even when it costs me more money, it often costs me less stress. In some cases I take things too far, draw my lines too early, and push too hard in demanding my allotted time. It results in fights, stress, and has resulted in additional lawyer bills.

Why? Because I felt threatened.

When life is going good? When we are happy? We don’t end up feeling as threatened. Deep down we know, no one can take away our roles … we have to give up on them. Just giving up a weekend, being missed on an email notification from the teacher, or being included in a standard doctors checkup. It takes you giving up on showing love.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t appreciate being left out of communications and if I find out I will say something. I won’t accept failure to adhere to the parenting plan, especially if it is going to impact my time with the boys. That is what the kids expect.

While the boys and I fight over homework, chores, and what is acceptable in-door behavior – what they always know is that I want the best for them, that I love them, and that I will always be there. That is because I am Dad. That is what matters.

In the path of a storm

It has now been almost two weeks since hurricane Irma blew through the area.  For the most part our lives have slowly returned to normal.  There are some families still without power and internet was only restored here at home earlier this week.  Kids have returned to school from an unplanned week-long break; after providing shelter for many of the families around the community the schools had to once again be prepared for the onslaught of children.   You can still see fallen trees, broken branches, and a few wind-torn buildings – but nothing too bad.  In fact, most of the issues in our area could be considered “first-world problems”.  Mostly inconveniences and yard cleanup 1.  Yet, just hours from the storms arrival on the Florida coast there was a very different tune playing – and it could easily have have been much worse.

In the days leading up to the storm I was playing things pretty cool.  I had seen this before, having lived through the onslaught of storms during 2004 and 2005.  For the most part I knew what to expect and was preparing for it slowly as I calmly monitored the situation and continued with my daily life.  However, one thing struck me this time – more than anything else – EVERYONE was leaving town.

Much to the dismay of family and friends living up north, I was a long way from leaving town.  Yet with each passing day the storm’s path drew closer to us and the storm kept growing, in size and strength – at one point Irma had grown to become the strongest Atlantic storm in recorded history. Yet instead of following the news coverage on TV (no cable 2), I was reading and monitoring the weather apps … and I prepared.

While I was not running from the storm, I was not being completely complacent.  I knew what the storm could do and I have a sense as to what the aftermath would look like.  I was taking a realistic approach to the situation – something my family and many friends could not always see.  I planned for several days without power, filling the pantry with water-based food for cooking and other dry foods.  I had candles and recharged all my batteries for flashlights. I both planned and visualized how I would handle the worst-case scenarios … a tornado, post-storm flooding, and more.  However, I also knew I was not in a flood zone, I was outside the standard evacuation zones, my ground floor walls are concrete brick, and I have few windows.  Geographically and structurally I was better off than many of the designated shelters.  While I hadn’t boarded up my windows (on my list of future enhancements if I am going to stay here) … I was otherwise as prepared as I could be.

Yet, the storm still grew.

As an individual I knew I was safe, yet as a parent additional concerns and fears set in and the boys were with her this particular weekend.  Since my ex continues to live in ‘our’ house I was confident in the geographical location and structure security of the place, and that was where they were planning to be.  I also knew her and her capacity to calmly and effectively plan for such situations.  I trusted her and this allowed my parental anxiety to ease.  However, as the path tightened and lined up with our little community we discussed our options.  While together we had always had a plan … we evacuate at a “category 4” storm.  We had seen the damage such a storm could produce in 2004 and once we were parents we had responsibilities.   We could not live the adventure as we once had. Yet, we had not had the conversation since we have split … haven’t had to. However, now there was a storm barring down on us, its track had fouled already fooled both of us and remained unpredictable to the experts.  Gas stations were running dry, grocery stores were empty of food and water, and the roads out of town were clogged with traffic as everyone and their dogs, cats, and birds were trying to “get out”.   After a quick conversation we decided to stay put – putting our faith in our existing preparations rather than road conditions.

This is when she made, what I feel, was a huge co-parenting suggestion and request.  In the event the storm did continue to progress towards our area, she asked if I would stay with them at her place.  She felt that having both parents around would reduce the anxiety of the kids, as well as our own … and I had to agree. At this point I had prepared to fend off the storm alone.  I had visualized scenarios where sh*t hit the fan … planned out different scenarios and prepared myself for the need to get across town in case the worse happened. However, I must say that being stuck alone with winds ripping at the roof and walls of my house did not sounds like a bundle of fun. What she offered was a far better situation for both me and the family as a whole during the storm.

Yet, there was a caveat to the whole plan.  One that turned my stomach.

The thought of weathering this storm together, as a family, warmed my heart.  Not in hopes of rekindling some lost love, but of returning to a state of friendship and cooperation. Maybe romantic image of the situation, a situation that is completely devoid of any romance (there are some fires that just won’t ever spark again).  Problem was we would not be alone … there would be a full house.  Due to the geographical and structural nature of the house, she had essentially set it up as a shelter. Joining us would not only be a family friend and with her family … but also her (ex?) boyfriend, his daughter, his ex-wife (and her sister) … and, yes, it was as messed up as it sounds.

A storm within a storm we called it … and a situation I did not want to be a part of.  I was not comfortable.  I did not trust the environment I was entering.  She has lied to me about her relationships before – and I felt like I was being lied to again.  Of course this was I just a feeling, I don’t know. I can go on rumors and stories from third parties … but I know they have been mislead at different times to suit the needs of the moment.  I have learned to trust my gut, and my gut told me I wasn’t getting the whole truth.

So … I had a choice: stay at home alone or “Dad-up” and be there for my kids … and when looking at it like that the choice became obvious, though maybe not easy.  Just like I did with the storm, I prepared.  I ran through different scenarios in my head and pre-planned how I would handle different situations.  I knew I didn’t want to just hide in the corner the whole time … giving off the scent of resentment and depression.  I also knew I would need to avoid possible explosive situations. In reality, whatever was going on did not impact me anyways, I had my own life now.  I was grateful for the offer that was extended and the opportunity to spend some extra time with the boys – I wasn’t about to screw that up. This is what it means to move on.

It all seems sort of lame now, looking back as I write this.  Not that it was emotionally easy, but I think it easily managed.  My focus was on the kids – right where it needed to be.  I tried hard to not put any additional stress on my ex (as I can’t imagine it was easy for her either), so I helped in the kitchen and helped keep an eye on the kids.  I was not there to socialize with the adults and fake friendships … I was there for my kids.

Prior to the storm, I slept and took some time to read and relax.  I had stayed up late the previous evening completing some of the final preparations at my place, especially with me not staying at the house.  As the day wore on I took the kids outside to loosen up before a possible long night inside.  Then, as the winds picked up, my oldest and I started taking regular walks around the neighborhood to see “the state of things”.  Enjoying the windy and wet adventure for as long as we could safely do so, we would explore the neighborhood finding all the new trees that had ripped from the ground 3 so we could share it with the group back at home. Life is built by your experiences … and the two of us were not going to hide inside.

I think the best moment of the night came at about 11:30pm after the primary threats had passed.  As a group, primarily our family, we ventured out into the black unknown.  The winds had calmed but it was still raining a little too much to take our phones and cameras.   The adults had had a couple drinks and the kids were enjoying a relaxed bedtime.  The drains for the community roads had clogged, and provided a few inches of “flooding” … enough for some splashing and water play.   We dunked the kids … we dunked the adults.  We played.  The anxiety of the situation melted away and for a moment, a very brief moment, it felt like we were a family again. Later that night as we all slept the final bands passed by us, kicking up the winds once more and depositing more twisted and broken branches around the neighborhood – but we all remained safe and sound.

The next morning my ex and I both woke before the rest of the house and for the first time in a very long time we enjoyed a cup of coffee at daybreak.  The conversation was light but friendly … and hopefully just as the community rebuilds around us, we too can rebuild our friendship and develop that partnership that our kids deserve.

In the end, I have some great memories … though, I hope to not have to do that again any time soon.

1 – Of course, I am strictly speaking of the Sarasota area.  There are many communities, especially down in the Keys and Caribbean that were completed demolished from Hurricane Irma, but also some in our surrounding region.  The cleanup for Florida will be costly … but it always is when mother nature rings the doorbell.

2 – Even outside the 24-hr news channels and ratings war, I think just the act of reading vs watching changes the scope of impact on our anxiety.  To be able to carry the same weight and impact of words, I feel we often search out the most dramatic photo and videos. This simple fact, I believe, plays a big part in anxiety.   Not to mention a devastating storm, Harvey, in very recent history and the infamous Katrina is still burned into our minds.

3 – The ground became so saturated with water from the rain, the wind would push the trees right over, roots and all.  Think this was primarily due to types of trees and the fact they were planted by landscapers and not grown.