A way forward

There he was, lying beside me.  His light brown hair curling over his forehead.  His eyes resting softly in the dim light I am using to scribble these notes.  His pure, unconditional love has captured my soul.  I would do anything for him.  Yet, in this moment, I sit here and ponder how I am slowly dismantling the only world he has ever known.

His brother lies in the other room, deep into his dreams.  I may find out what his mind was piecing together in the morning, but probably not.  They are with me this evening, and back with their mother tomorrow.  I will get to see them again on the weekend.  It is a complicated schedule but there are reasons.  Everything has its reasons.  So it is important to me that these moments together are treasured.

My son shuffles in the bed, stretching and looking for a snuggle.  Or maybe it is me that is wanting a snuggle from him.  So much of where we are today started with him.  No, that is wrong.  It wasn’t him, he was not the issue – I WAS.  The truth be told, it has been a long road to where we are today.  Yet it was the time period that surrounded this young life that hold many of the events that broke the family.  The long hours at work, the emotional pressures of two children … the lives of mom and dad that become disconnected and drifted apart.  We both loved our children, we both wanted the best for them, we both were trying to keep our lives and ourselves together for them … we just went about it in different, and in some cases horribly wrong, ways.  And I look at him now with guilt and sorrow.  “I am sorry son”, I find myself saying to him quietly, “I will do better. I am, and will always be, daddy for you!”

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