There are those days, those moments, where you just need to grab hold and take advantage. Sometimes they are not expected or planned. Today was one of those. My oldest was sick and spent the day home with his mother and by the end of the day he still wasn’t feeling on top of his game. This left an opportunity that we, as co-parents, seized upon. I picked up my youngest for a ‘night with dad’.
One on one time is so important in every relationship. It offers a chance to bond, to share, to get and give focused attention. In a romantic relationship it is critical and should be maintained even after the standard ‘dating’ phase is over. My younger me didn’t appreciate the value of “date night”, though I like being able to spend time with my partner I didn’t like it being scheduled and didn’t put the effort in to show her how much I appreciated her. I got caught in the ‘we are married, we just are’ mentality. Life became about us and friends, and us and our kids. We had time alone sure, but they weren’t “dates”. They weren’t dedicated time together.
With kids I find the same needs exist. They need to know they are important and special on an individual level. Often I find I am spending time with “the boys”. WE go on adventures. WE read. WE cuddle. In my case, with multiple children, that “we” often turns into a compromise where the individual desires can’t be fully expressed.
This was something my ex and I talked about back when we were still together. We felt that it was valuable to have a parent-child date night from time to time, as well as parent-children times. We had a lot of good ideas, some of which I hope to still employ: “Breakfast with Dad”, “Wilderness Weekend”, “Ice-cream special”, “Movie Release Opening Night”.
Last spring we made good on these plans and we, as co-parents, set aside two days where we would split the boys and they could spend one-on-one time with each parent. I took my oldest to see a rock concert, and my youngest and I shared an afternoon on a jet-ski. To this day they both talk about their ‘day with dad’ so I know it impacted them and I look forward to the chance to do it again.
Tonight, however, was just a one-on-one evening. A father-son night. A chance to bond over a Hot-Fudge Sunday. A chance to show dad a recent adventure and walk together through the park. A chance for the youngest to pick the tv show. And a chance for the youngest to read a bedtime story to his dad.
Lately my mind has been a bit foggy as I was consumed with the final stages of my Black Belt testing. I have been working towards this for almost 4 years, not including 3 years of Shotokan Karate training back while I was at University. In fact my previous training stood the test of time reasonably well as Taekwondo has strong roots with Shotokan as many of the arts founding member trained in Shotokan during the Japanese occupation of Korea in the early 20th Century … but that is another story.
It was a Friday night, just rolled back into town from work and went immediately to the Dojang (Korean for Dojo) as it was now time for our 3-hr meditation. We had been fasting since Wednesday which had limited us to 3-cups of cooked rice a day, plus water and green tea; a practice designed to cleanse our bodies. The meditation was a way to help clean the mind and spirit. Both are more practically demonstrations of our resilience, both a mental and physical hurdle.
For the meditation, the three hours would be broken into three segments with 5-minute breaks to stretch and take any required bio breaks. While we typically do a short meditation, 1-2 minutes at most, to start each class. Tonight we would be sitting for a stretch of 60-minutes not moving, not talking, with the lights off save for a single candle sitting center of our group.
This was going to be a challenge, and it was …
Part 1: The journey here – Looking Back
We settled into our places, getting as comfortable as we could. As our instructor left the room we gave us our task for the hour, a ‘look back at your journey here’, and the door shut. The candle flickering in front of me. “I got this” I thought as I straightened by back and started breathing, calming myself.
It is hard to capture a journey of your own life, or at least I was finding it hard. I have memories, both good and bad, inspirational and depressing – but nothing seemed to chart a course, yet I am here. I kept trying to build on memories from my childhood, and try and see how they influenced choices in my teenage years and further into my adult years. Thought about days spent on the ski slopes and fishing off the dock on the lake. Remembered friends. I searched for a line, a thread, something that would help tell the story of me but the theme would not come.
Switching gears, I took a look at more recent events. A train of thought I have been riding a lot over the last couple years. I wasn’t getting any emotional engagement from my mind on any of it, maybe I was just done thinking about it. At this point the biggest challenge was staying in the past … my mind, as it often does, was floating around. As it does when I am in happier moods, it kept moving back to my ongoing hopes and dreams. I envisioned personal projects. Thought about upcoming events and things I needed to get done. Mentally reviewing my budget. I was conscious of this rabbit holes of thought and I kept dragging myself back to the past. To talk personal history with myself … about myself, remembering the splash of snow as I plowed into the snow banks in my toboggan. Moments of fear as I was learning to drive and making incredibly stupid decisions. Started to wonder … how the heck did I live long enough to get here?
I have often thought about getting my memoirs down at some point, but I don’t feel I have much to say. Most of my life I have spent looking forward, and often don’t stop to drop markers or take a look all the fences I hit or donuts I was doing. Always had a 5-year plan overflowing with ambitions … and was pushing forward. 2015 was a rough year for me as I felt all that fade away, I had spent most of that entire year stuck in a quagmire, and I have just started feeling like I was getting traction again. My dreams were starting to feed my passions again … hmm, wonder if this was what he was getting at?
My hip was starting to ache and readjusted slightly … 15 minutes left. I pondered what the next sessions would be like and my mind soon was back down the path of dinner plans for Saturday afternoon.
Part 2: What is this?
Quick stretch, my hip was starting to seize which is not a good sign for the night. Shot of hot green tea to wet the lips and we were back on our blankets. This time to answer the question of “what is this?”
This was the hardest session, my body had ached after the first hour and we were not a few minutes in and already my right hip was screaming at me. My mind was a hard thing to contain, it wondered often with its own goals and aspirations, luckily we had the koan (mantra) to help drag me back. I started with the physical aspects, “what is this?” … this is a room, this is a candle, this is me breathing. This is our meditation session. This is our black belt exam … so no, a beer when I get home would not be a good thing. I started looking at internally … this is me hungry, that pain … that is my hip.
Ok, enough playtime … I had actually started hunching over a bit and stopped breathing properly. Honestly, breathing was uncomfortable due to conflicting hunger pain that were felt as I took a breath into my lower abdomen. I straighten my back again, raised my chest and chin, relaxed my arms … and breathed deep. Almost instantly my emotions changed.
What is this … this is my black belt test. This was an accomplishment. A black belt was not a prize I have been after though. Have always been interested in martial arts, but more in the way of life and general skills than in belting. Joined with friends to a club at the University, and it just sort of became my thing. When I moved I searched for a new school but nothing seemed to fit, then work got busy and life just took over. When we decided to get our oldest involved, it wasn’t but two classes before I was standing beside him … I was not going to be able to sit and watch, I was going to do it WITH THEM.
The Dojang and the training had kept the consistency of life going, which helped me stay steady when life got really rocky. It also helped to have somewhere to go and kick a bag for an hour. Life was turning around, I was moving forward. My dreams and aspirations where back … and what is this? This was an accomplishment, or more specifically the moment of accomplishment. Something I have not really felt in some time.
I held onto that thought, “this” was the moment, a turning point possibly? This brought energy, my back straightened again and my breathing slowed into a pattern, I was able to relax. This was a moment where I was moving on and up after years of feeling beaten down. This was a moment of pride.
Excited I took a quick glance at the clock … foolish me. So much time left. The pain in my hip became apparent again forcing me to shift my position and ease the tension. The muscles in my back could be felt … as could my tailbone. What is this … this is me at almost 39!
Thought about “this” being resilience, especially with the fasting we have been attempting. This was my resolve. I would get this done.
Part 3: Who am I?
With 120 minutes down and only 60 minutes left to go, I could sense the excitement not only in myself but the group. For the third time we settled in and relaxed; answer me this “who am I?”
This has been a question I have been longing to gain an answer to for some time, with 60 minutes it was time to dig into it a big.
I first thought I was a dedicated worker, a helper, a dreamer. I am a developer. I am a person. Yet all those thought sounded like I was answering “What am I?” … was looking for “Who am I?” I started to look outwards, to famous figure heads. Who was Albert Einstein? Thomas Edison? Wayne Gretzky? And … found I was answering “what” they were or more what they were known for. Who there were I could not assess as I did not know them.
Ok … taking a look closer to home. Started looking at my friends, my children, and my parents as examples. Who are these people? They are loving. They are caring. They are fun. They are inspirational at times, and listeners when needed. Felt like I was on to something. You always know when you are onto something when the gears start turning on their own, the self-powered mind.
So who am I?
I am a son, a brother and a friend. I am both a parent and a child. I am a student and a teacher. I am an imperfect guy struggling to find my way in the world, yet I am a mentor and a role model. What I finally honed in on was that who is am is a connection, I am the interaction I have with others.
Determined to not look at the clock, I focused on the candle and pushed the pain or soreness of my body aside and contemplated my connection to my boys. Who do they see in me? What am I showing them? They see my struggles, my pain. Do they see my successes?
Who am I? … I am Dad. I was left smiling as the door opened and the final session came to a close.
The take away
This was tough. Found it hard to breath as my body desired food. My muscles were stiff and ached as they started to move again. I sit all day at work and through my commute to work – this was more sitting, and my body did NOT thank me for it. But it gave me a chance to still my body and try and still my mind. Realized that this doesn’t really take that long, most of my main thoughts presented themselves fairly quickly. Left me wondering how I could train myself to spend 10-15 minutes in the morning … maybe just one day a week. I am liking the thought of it.
After three hours I was able to center myself and focus on some key elements on my life I had not managed to frame into a common thread prior. This weekend was a marker, a milestone for me. I was a father, a son, a friend and a brother who, in this moment, was starting a fresh chapter in life … and I am finally excited to see what challenges and opportunities lie ahead. The next day I successfully completed the black belt exam, but it meant more. I had a new perspective.
It happens ever year, once every spring for the last 11 years. My oldest boy gets just a little bit older. It has been great watching him grow up; watching his first steps turn into running and jumps, then into inline skating and bike rides. Every year I dream about what the next year will bring, and with each year I treasure more and more the years gone by.
Of course, this is immediately followed up with the birthday of our second son. Just over 2-years and a month apart. He brings his own personality into the mix, and while we tried a combined birthday between them a few years back, it was clear that while they are best friends they need their own parties.
I really enjoyed hosting the parties for the boys, the little kid in me had a chance to escape for a while. Yet, I was never the planner of the party. I would help setup, help facilitate, even planned some of the activities a couple years – but I was not the one who put on the show. That had always been my wife, and she did a fantastic job of it. Often going far above what was needed to make the day special not only for the kids but all the visiting parents as well.
When we separated the birthday parties was one of the scarier things I felt I was facing. What would happen with their parties? I wasn’t the planner, am I going to be left out of these big events in their lives? Granted, I knew that was the emotions talking. Practically speaking I could organize a birthday party, I had the skills, but I also knew it wasn’t something I excelled at.
I was also trying to look beyond my own personal fears and to what would be best for the boys. Not a child of divorce, nor did I grow up with a lot friend who were children of divorce (especially, joint custody), it was not something I could envision. My understanding came from TV and there the two parents were always trying to one-up the other parent. It became a competition of who was the better parent … and that was not what I wanted for my kids. So, in the spirit of co-parenting, with maybe a little bit of fear mixed in, I was in full support of us doing a joint-family birthday celebration for each of the boys. Two parents coming together to make a single special day for the boys. Had to be easy right, we’d been doing it for years now.
Well, that first year didn’t start out well. We talked about it and coordinated splitting the tasks of the party. While I was to book something and coordinate the theme events, she would take care of the food. With an army theme requested I was calling laser tag and paint ball places in the area which proved to be harder than originally thought. Especially with my full-time job occupying more and more of my time. Ages limits and availability also proved to be a problem, so I was looking into plan B options and looking at the calendar … things just were not going to happen in time, we were going to have to push things back a week or so. Well, that was the last straw I guess as unknown to me she sent out invites for a party at her place – I was no longer invited, nor told.
My fears were becoming reality and I had to throw together a quick “birthday dinner” with friends last minute. I must say, the boys have a lot of good friends who showed a lot of love and compassion and showed for both parties … so thank you!. It was a nice dinner, but it was the first birthday party I missed of my son’s and that was not ok.
Our youngest saw the chaos that surrounded his brother’s party and took it upon himself to plan his. He, at 8 yrs old, came to us with the date, the place, the theme, and all the people he wanted to come. HE was going to have ONE PARTY, we would ALL be there … and we better GET IT DONE. So with the who, what, and where covered … we had a whole lot less to discuss. This time I took the decorations and the cake, she would bring the food. And not to toot my own horn too much but I rocked it! I had some DIY decorations, I brought games, grabbed balloons, and we picked out the fantastic cake … it was a party just the way he wanted.
As for the party itself, well it went off kind of awkward to tell the truth. There was constant tension between her[mom] and I (at least that is how I felt). I felt under a spotlight with her just waiting for me to screw something up. I found there was still a ton of negative emotions streaming through me, and it was all I could do to not just keep quiet. I think our friends also felt it awkward, as conversations and stories could not happen as they once did. As much as I had hoped this would be a birthday like any other … it wasn’t. On the plus side, and the most important side, our son had a good time. I am sure he felt the vibes, but he never let it bother him. He included both of us in different activities and enjoy his time with friends.
…
And now we are back at that time of the year once again, choices need to be made. This year we, as parents, are not talking as much as we should be. In fact, we are talking less that last year. I am surprised that emotions have not settled down, but they haven’t. In fact, in some ways they have gotten worse. Resentment and mistrust still looms over almost every interaction we have, and I think I hate that as much as all the stuff that has caused it.
I work hard to keep our parental strife away from the kids, yet they have to see it. They must feel the energy. This year both kids came to me and requested separate birthday parties, with themes for both.
I think the only reason not to is a selfish desire to not lose that family unit, to have something that we work on together. And possibly a little bit of the “how the heck to I throw this together on my own?”! Yet, the boys have different friends groups at her place and at my place now. So with the family formally now split, does it make sense to host two birthday parties?
Tonight I am leaning to yes, as much as it pains me I am starting to think that it is probably best for the boys as well as for the emotional strain between the parents. This was I can allow myself to focus on the boys, and not on emotions that have no business at a birthday party. Maybe the best co-parenting choice is not co-hosting the party.
So, with that … anyone know of some fun pre-teen activities and decorations for a fighter-plane themed birthday?
