Pains of the heart are not always easy to predict. Like a river monster, it lies beneath the water waiting for a perfect time to strike. Sometimes taking just a nibble and other times grabbing a large chunk of your otherwise stable emotions.
These last couple weeks have been a roller coaster ride. My love life has, for a while now, been lacking. For the most part that has been ok as I have a lot going on. In fact the last girl felt as if I had too many things going on and she didn’t see a place for her. That was a hard pill to swallow, but I took it as a sign to go heads down on rebuilding me and my goals. Yet, no one wants to be out of the dating scene … so I kept fishing and dreaming.
My first nibble came on Match, a lovely young lady that lived on the other coast of Florida (or a 3 hr drive away). We talked, flirted, and discussed if we could ever meet – eventually planning on this upcoming coming weekend.
Then I met a girl more local. One I did not expect and took me by surprise. We seemed to hit it off right away and the rest of my world faded away. From what I could tell she felt the same. Yet, there was a catch, as there often is with such matters. She was fresh out of a relationship and was getting her first real taste of being single. Matters to which I understood all too well.
But it felt good.
We had agreed to be friends, feeling that it would be best given her recent past and my lack of time … and the fact we were both parents. Yet, I could not help but pursue … and it was not rebuffed. Instead we would just take things slow.
No promises were ever made, no expectations broken, no lives were lost.
That was when the monster lurking just below the surface struck. In the last few days the conversations have been more distant, the intensity has subsided. This is the minefield I knew I was entering. Could be nothing, just something in my head or could be just our busy lives. We had specifically called out “taking it slow” … casual dating. Yet as she chooses activities with others instead of ones with me I am hurt. What I am feeling right now is not jealousy or disappointment … it is loneliness. And it was unexpected.
Tonight I am missing our conversations.
It is not sexy or strong, and not attractive from either side. It is one of the fastest confidence killers and it will eats you up inside if you let it. Building upon itself, feeding on its own negative energy.
Loneliness, despite its “forever” feeling, is temporarily. Knowing that is half the battle and allows me to move on … to whatever and whoever lies ahead!